So I pulled a stupid move and left my journal at home this weekend even though I need to fill it up before I start my new journal I got for myself for my birthday. I can’t believe it as of this Saturday I am going to be 18 and I am supposed to be happy but I don’t want it coming anymore then I wanted to lose my mom. I am in so much pain right now it is killing me.

I did have an amazing visit with my grandparents and an amazing early birthday party that grandma tried to pull together, almost everyone I adored was there from that side of the family. Mimi, Pipi, Danielle, Xenon, Audrey (Mimi’s best friend), Uncle Glen and Aunt Linda. Though I wish uncle Dan could’ve made it. I got a lot of amazing gifts and I am thankful for each one.

So I had this amazing moment over the weekend I caught a clip of a song and I automatically thought of Andrew, but I can’t find the song no matter how hard I look now. I came to the realization that yes he does get on my nerves every so often but he is there for me and has been for a long time and that I don’t think anything is going to change that. Honestly he isn’t that bad a little hyper but he’s a keeper I guess you could say.

I also came to the revelation that for all this time I have been calling Diego my angel he truly is. He has saved me from my dad, the stress, bullshit and hardest of all myself over this past year. I told him that and said thank you and he said that I found him and he found me and that he wouldn’t have it any other way well except the distance issue but that’s a different story lol. He loves me and truly cares.

So everything was fine until I came home of course my bubble was popped and I had to come back down from my bliss.18 it's a big number and I know it is when I am supposed to be an adult and grow up but do things have to be put so harshly, must you make me cry. Leave the dead to lie, leave my mom alone she did nothing to you Deb you issue is with me...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well I was given an ultimatum as to take Aunt Debs advice and help so I can live a peaceful and normal life (changing everything I am) or stay the same and move my ass out. She is going to my councilors meeting on Wednesday saying she doesn’t trust what I am saying to people about her but yet it is her who talks behind my back when I am in hearing distance. Do you know how much that hurts. She acts like she makes no mistakes and everything is my fault. I tell the truth as it is to my eyes and the way she is acting is like a total Bitch and she made that impression on many of my friends just how she was acting towards me in front of them.

I’m not scared of her but I am scared of myself. I may seem fearless and generally I am but I am not heartless. I love her and admire the things she has done for me, I understand and except her rules no problem but it is never good enough. I will never be good enough, I am too different.

Back to leaving the dead where they lie in peace, stop picking on my mother seriously. She has done nothing to you except break your little brothers heart and he deserved it for being a verbally and mentally abusive asshole. Yes she made mistakes and I know it I had to live through it not you so you have no place to tell me she made mistakes and I should stop defending her...She is my mother and unlike you, she admitted to her mistakes and attempted to change where she went wrong. She changed her ways ok. On top of that to turn around and say she didn’t care or love us children was the worst thing you could’ve don’t you have any respect or even a heart. I lay there crying last night because of you and you didn’t care how you made me feel you never do. You told me to go kill myself once come on what kind of person are you. You lost all my respect for that, she tried to do with what she had and tried to make things work. I am the way I am because my mother and my mother wanted us to be true to ourselves and comfortable and open in our own skins. I think that is one of the greatest gifts she gave us was a freedom to be us. I will not change just because I don’t fit the mold you made for your children and you are unhappy, you will always be unhappy with me because I am an inconvenience to you. I am unwanted. Unlike you I have friends who love and care about me, love me for who and everything I am not what I pretend to be for you so please leave it be. I know you may never read this but god damn it some days I wish you would. Maybe I should leave home, since it isn’t even a home to me.

Maybe more later but for now I am out.